When selecting the process to be used to obtain your divorce, one of the first decisions that must be made is whether you wish to hire a Peacemaker or a Gladiator. Do you want an attorney who will help guide you through the process in seeking out ways to obtain a fair and just result? Or do you want someone to do battle on your behalf against your spouse and the other attorney?
In making this decision, there are several factors to consider, amongst them being:
- What you want your family to look like upon entry of the divorce decree;
- How you want your children to survive the ordeal of divorce, whether minor children or adult children;
- What you believe can be accomplished in a non-antagonistic atmosphere as opposed to an atmosphere of hostility;
- Wanting to spend your assets on moving toward resolution than using them fighting with your spouse;
- How you will co-parent when the divorce is final;
- Sharing the joy of family life events with your spouse rather than your children not having the benefit of having both parents present;
- Keeping your children sheltered from the divorce action;
- Allowing your children to feel at ease with both parents in the same room;
- Maintaining as much privacy during the process you select; and
- Not giving up control of your divorce process.
This is not a complete list. I suggest you write down as many other reasons why using a peacemaker is the better method in getting a divorce in the long run. In fact, create a chart dividing it between the two choices and listing all the benefits of each process on the respective sides of the chart.
Who is in a better position than you and your spouse to make decisions concerning your family? Yes, there are laws dealing with children, parenting and your rights and obligations as a parent. Do you wish to leave those decisions to the judge who knows very little about your family? Is the person wearing the robe more qualified to make decisions for your family than you and your spouse are? Using a peacemaker to help resolve issues dealing with children and the family promotes the best interests of the children. Going to battle with your spouse in a divorce can be very destructive to the children and the family.
There may not be children and you may not care what happens after the divorce. Is that reason enough to spend your assets fighting rather than retaining as much of those assets as you can for yourself? Is that reason enough to not care about your privacy? Is that reason enough to lose control of the process by turning it over to the heavy litigators of the legal profession? Are you that angry with your spouse to disregard the benefits of proceeding in a positive, private, faster pace and usually less costly process than litigation?
Waking up from a hotly contested divorce is like waking up with a hangover. The first thoughts you have are: “what have I done?” followed by “I can’t believe I did that,” to “ I feel awful.” It is rarely worth it. Note I did not suggest it is never worth it. Sometimes you do not have a choice based on your spouse making that decision for you by virtue of their behavior.
Assuming you have the choice, would coming to an early resolution be beneficial? Would beginning your process on a more positive note than filing suit make more sense? Would controlling the process by virtue of being limited only by how quickly you and your spouse are willing to proceed on an open, voluntary and transparent process, rather than being limited by a court docket in being able to set hearings, make more sense? And how about limiting costs from being spent on motions, hearings, depositions and other forms of discovery that do nothing to move the process forward? There is no court in the collaborative law process, so no hearings; and discovery is voluntary from both sides.
I came up with the logo, “AskAboutCollaborative” because I wanted to send the message that people should at least ask about this process before being put in a litigation setting without having the benefit of being educated about other ways to skin the cat. My series on Collaborative Family Law FAQS is a way of providing pieces of education on the Collaborative Law Process and why it would be a better choice for most, rather than litigation, to obtain a divorce.
Jeff Wasserman
#AskAboutCollaborative